We're Doing Hard Things

I've worked as an engineer for almost 9 years, but I'm hanging up my hard hat to stay home and raise my kids. At times I've felt like a quitter, giving up on a career I worked so hard for, but my priorities have changed and I guess I'm drawn to that poopoo life.

While studying civil engineering at Cal Poly Pomona, I liked being a woman in what felt like a man's field and the constant challenges were rewarding. Several times I felt like giving up, but I've never been a quitter, so I'd lock myself in my room and study harder. I graduated and felt proud of my determination.

Then I moved home and started working as an engineer at Imperial Irrigation District. After two years of experience and in the midst of wedding planning, Blake and I studied for and passed the 8-hour Professional Engineer exam, just weeks before our marriage. A year and a half later (and three months pregnant) I passed the state-specific exams, becoming a licensed PE. And I felt so proud of my accomplishment.

Then I had Crosley Lena. I've never been the mothering type, but suddenly I was an actual mom. As unpopular as it is to admit, I didn't feel like a mother when I got pregnant, and I didn't feel it when I met Crosley on November 16th, 2015 either. It slowly happened in the first year of her life and was deepened when we found out we were pregnant with baby number two. But then I met Blythe Elizabeth on July 18th, 2017 and it was solidified in a mess of emotions. I looked at these two little girls, so dependent and impressionable, and I felt every feeling on the hormonal spectrum. I was crying, I was happy, I was scared. I felt immense responsibility and protective and deep deep love and my priorities felt different and I was proud of that. It didn't feel right anymore leaving my kids to work when I had the opportunity to stay with them at home.

But I don't want them to think I gave up on a career or that I sacrificed myself. I don't think I'm doing either. I'm consciously choosing to be the biggest presence in their lives. To wipe their booties and embarrassingly cheer the loudest at their volleyball games. I want to have the time and patience to help with homework. I want Blake to feel relaxed when he leaves work. I want to be available at any hour they need me because they're my priority and this is how I choose to show it.

I want them to see firsthand what hard work and dedication looks like, so I'll continue to set goals and do hard things. I want to learn to be a better cook, run faster, become an Ironman. I want to raise kids with confidence and character. And I plan to document it all in this blog.

This isn't quitting, it's re-prioritizing.

But I also want to hang on to some of that talking to adults kinda life, so hopefully I hear from you, too. Please comment and text me and help me feel connected because I'm probably getting bored reading about princesses and unicorns and running alone late at night.