I’ve gotten in the habit of writing down my thoughts but not posting it until sometimes weeks later. This one was written after another tough workout, busy schedule, and parenting frustrations. What’s not surprising is that a few days later I had an ocular migraine. My migraines take away my peripheral vision, I see white spots, my fingers go numb, and I sometimes lose my brain’s ability to reason or form coherent sentences. The similarities between these and stroke symptoms aren’t lost on me and it adds to the stress. To make matters worse, a week later I had another ocular migraine coupled with what I now know was a panic attack. I’ve never understood how someone can be physically healthy but mentally think they’re dying. I no longer wonder.
October 18, 2019
I once heard that mans greatest weakness is his need to sleep. No matter how strong or smart or efficient or tactic you are, we all lay down our shields to shut our eyes. And it’s not some insignificant part of our day either, it takes up practically a third of our life!
That is, unless you’re a mom. And this mom is juggling wiping booties, Blythe’s special diet, family time, social time, and Ironman training.
I’m not sleeping seven or eight hours a night. I’m getting four to six. And in truth, I’m not doing anything 100%. I’m dragging every responsibility through the mud with a growl on my face. I’m moving forward, but it’s not pretty. And my bad juju is adding stress on everyone around me.
I’ve prioritized Blythe’s diet and Ironman training, and down at the end of the list is me and my husband. Of course, on Sunday’s we add God.
It’s all wrong and I am literally about to pass out and drop everything (I guess this was a foreshadow).
We’re in the Ironman homestretch, so I’m about to get a significant portion of my day back, but is that really the issue? No. It’s my priorities. It needs to be God at the top. I should be taking all of my worries to He that moves mountains. Then Blake and I, our kids, and last my extracurriculars. I need to get back to reading the bible, back to dating my husband, and back to a state of happiness that would fuel the right kind of energy to have the patience and loving kindness that builds kids to their full potential.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of all this armor. Step one: lay it all down and rest. Tomorrow I can wake up with revitalized strength to pick it back up and keep marching.
We can do hard things, but smarter. Not harder.
I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2